This isn’t a fun post to write, but it’s a necessary one. When I told our Facebook community about our recent miscarriage, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support. I was also surprised at how many of you have suffered from your own losses. Miscarriage is much more common than it may seem, but it is often a taboo subject. People don’t talk about it, although I think we should. No matter how far along you are in a pregnancy that results in loss, it changes you. You are a mother (or a father) without a child to hold in your arms. It changes you and if people are going to understand you, they need to understand your loss.
So first, if you are reading this blog post because you are experiencing a miscarriage, I want to say I’m sorry for your loss and give you a big cyber hug. You are not alone. If you want to read about our three losses you can here.
Secondly, if you know someone experiencing a miscarriage, then it’s important to pray for them, send them encouraging words, maybe even make them a meal. But please be careful. So often well-meaning people say things like “It was probably for the best”, “at least you weren’t farther along”, “don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again soon” or “at least you have other kids”. While well-meaning, these can be very painful to the person that is suffering because it tends to minimize their loss and the grief that they are struggling with right now.
Healing Your Heart
Everyone grieves differently. After our first miscarriage, my husband and I just layed on the couch for two days. We didn’t answer our phones or check our emails, we just grieved. Once we processed it ourselves, we were able to talk about it with others. It was a long time before I could safely talk about it without bursting into tears and the grief would come in waves to certain triggers, like seeing baby clothes in the store or realizing that today is your due date.
We did find the following things helpful in letting our hearts heal. (affiliate links)
Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo – The true story about a little boy who experienced heaven and while he was there he met his sibling that was lost through miscarriage. I found this so comforting to think of my babies in heaven and to know that I will meet them there someday.
Heaven by Randy Alcorn – This book is all about heaven. We loved reading about what the Bible says about heaven and knowing that our children are there experiencing so much joy.
Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns
I had a friend who was brought much comfort by the song Blessings by Laura’s Story.
‘Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.’ Psalm 55:22
‘He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ Isaiah 40:29-31
‘Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.’ Psalm 4:1
‘ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.’ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Remember, it takes time and everyone has to grieve and process things in their own way. It’s also important to remember the needs of the husband during this time. He is experiencing just as much of a loss as his wife, but often feels he has to be strong for her. I think this just prolongs the grieving process.
Healing Your Body
Rest – Pregnancy and miscarriage are exhausting. For two weeks before we found out our baby had died I literally felt like I had run a marathon and then been run over by a truck. I could barely get out of bed much less clean the house and take care of the kids. You will notice there are hardly any blog posts from the past couple weeks. I just couldn’t do anything. Getting enough rest is critical to letting your body heal. I know it’s hard, especially if you have a job or stay at home with your other children, so that brings me to the next point…
Grace – It is very necessary to give yourself grace during this time. It’s OK to let the house get messy, to eat out for a couple of meals, and to do things you otherwise would not normally do. Just tell yourself it’s for a short season, so you can rest and heal. It does not make you a bad wife, a bad mom, or a lazy person. It makes you someone who is prioritizing rest in a time of need.
Nutrition – (affiliate links) During a miscarriage your body loses a lot of blood. Plus the stress of losing a baby can deplete your body of many important vitamins and minerals. It’s important to keep taking your prenatal vitamins as well as nourishing your body. If you are too tired to cook and keep up in the kitchen, just do the best you can with making healthy food choices. I also try to focus on taking my cod liver oil and magnesium oil. This time I think I am going to make some liver pills and take clay internally to help with my iron levels. You also want to focus on staying hydrated.
Have you had a miscarriage? What steps did you take to help yourself heal, both physically and mentally? What words of encouragement do you have for other mamas who are grieving right now?