Healing From Miscarriage

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keepThis isn’t a fun post to write, but it’s a necessary one. When I told our Facebook community about our recent miscarriage, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support.  I was also surprised at how many of you have suffered from your own losses.  Miscarriage is much more common than it may seem, but it is often a taboo subject.  People don’t talk about it, although I think we should.  No matter how far along you are in a pregnancy that results in loss, it changes you. You are a mother (or a father) without a child to hold in your arms.  It changes you and if people are going to understand you, they need to understand your loss.

So first, if you are reading this blog post because you are experiencing a miscarriage, I want to say I’m sorry for your loss and give you a big cyber hug.  You are not alone. If you want to read about our three losses you can here.

Secondly, if you know someone experiencing a miscarriage, then it’s important to pray for them, send them encouraging words, maybe even make them a meal.  But please be careful.  So often well-meaning people say things like “It was probably for the best”, “at least you weren’t farther along”, “don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again soon” or “at least you have other kids”.  While well-meaning, these can be very painful to the person that is suffering because it tends to minimize their loss and the grief that they are struggling with right now.

Healing Your Heart

Everyone grieves differently.  After our first miscarriage, my husband and I just layed on the couch for two days.  We didn’t answer our phones or check our emails, we just grieved.  Once we processed it ourselves, we were able to talk about it with others. It was a long time before I could safely talk about it without bursting into tears and the grief would come in waves to certain triggers, like seeing baby clothes in the store or realizing that today is your due date.

We did find the following things helpful in letting our hearts heal.  (affiliate links)

Books:

Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo   – The true story about a little boy who experienced heaven and while he was there he met his sibling that was lost through miscarriage. I found this so comforting to think of my babies in heaven and to know that I will meet them there someday.

Heaven by Randy Alcorn – This book is all about heaven.  We loved reading about what the Bible says about heaven and knowing that our children are there experiencing so much joy.

Music:

Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns

I had a friend who was brought much comfort by the song Blessings by Laura’s Story.

Verses:

‘Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.’ Psalm 55:22

‘He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ Isaiah 40:29-31

‘Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.’ Psalm 4:1

‘ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.’ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Remember, it takes time and everyone has to grieve and process things in their own way.  It’s also important to remember the needs of the husband during this time.  He is experiencing just as much of a loss as his wife, but often feels he has to be strong for her.  I think this just prolongs the grieving process.

Healing Your Body

Rest – Pregnancy and miscarriage are exhausting. For two weeks before we found out our baby had died I literally felt like I had run a marathon and then been run over by a truck.  I could barely get out of bed much less clean the house and take care of the kids.  You will notice there are hardly any blog posts from the past couple weeks.  I just couldn’t do anything. Getting enough rest is critical to letting your body heal.  I know it’s hard, especially if you have a job or stay at home with your other children, so that brings me to the next point…

Grace –  It is very necessary to give yourself grace during this time.  It’s OK to let the house get messy, to eat out for a couple of meals, and to do things you otherwise would not normally do. Just tell yourself it’s for a short season, so you can rest and heal.  It does not make you a bad wife, a bad mom, or a lazy person.  It makes you someone who is prioritizing rest in a time of need.

Nutrition – (affiliate links) During a miscarriage your body loses a lot of blood.  Plus the stress of losing a baby can deplete your body of many important vitamins and minerals.  It’s important to keep taking your prenatal vitamins as well as nourishing your body.  If you are too tired to cook and keep up in the kitchen, just do the best you can with making healthy food choices.  I also try to focus on taking my cod liver oil and magnesium oil. This time I think I am going to make some liver pills and take clay internally to help with my iron levels. You also want to focus on staying hydrated.

Have you had a miscarriage?  What steps did you take to help yourself heal, both physically and mentally?  What words of encouragement do you have for other mamas who are grieving right now?

 

Leave a Reply

  1. When I was pregnant with our second child…I knew something was wrong when I started having re occurring dreams of going to the hospital but not coming home with a baby. I didn’t know what to do with this information and I didn’t want to alarm my husband. I thought to myself if I could just get to the 12 week safe mark everything will be ok. Well the morning of my 12th week I woke up feeling very uncomfortable…there was a lot of cramping and I was in a lot of pain. My loving neighbor who always checked on me had to run into town but she sent her two kids up to help look after my son while I stayed in bed crying as I knew what the outcome would be. I had called another friend and told her what was happening and she came over. My mom lived on the east coast so as I curled up in a ball and rocked to relieve the pain I called her to tell her what was happening. As she was giving me encouraging words I heard a pop and then all the pain went away. I was so heartbroken and just started crying hysterically. My husband met me at the hospital, and we cried. That was the only time we cried together. Once I came back home both of us were still grieving but didn’t know how to do it together. I became very depressed and had to figure out how to take care of our son and function from day to day. This event tore through my marriage and almost caused us to get a divorce but we hung on and God worked a miracle in our marriage that made our marriage 10 times better.
    The one thing that I saw lacking when we were going through this is….Everyone would ask me how I was doing or ask my husband how I was doing…but I don’t think anyone was there for my husband. He has emotions and he had dream for our little one too. Even though I went through the physical pain he was dealing with all the emotional pain as well. I would encourage anyone who is going through this to find a trusted male person who can help your husband. I would also encourage you to talk to your husband about what you are feeling as well. Don’t keep it bottled up because it will cause division between you. Seek help…pray that the Lord will surround you with the right people that you can reach out to for help. I did end up getting pregnant 3 month later. I was still on an emotional dollar coaster and I thought if I had another baby it would help with the deep hole in my heart. In time when I could finely deal with things the Lord did bound up all my wounds and healing began. God did blessed me with another child…a daughter.

    • Thank you for sharing your story Becky. I never knew you had a miscarriage, but I do know that sweet son and daughter of yours! I am sure your testimony will encourage others going through the same thing!

  2. Thank you for posting this, I am having a miscarriage now also. The scriptures really ministered to me and I am going to get the supplements to take also. So thankful that we know our babies are whole and perfect in heaven and what a glorious day it will be when we get to hold them. Thank you for your blog.

    • Oh Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss and grieving right along with you. I can’t imagine how joyful our babies must be in getting to see and experience the glory of heaven. I can’t wait for that reunion!

  3. Thank you for sharing. It is true that so few talk about their miscarriages. We had already told our 3 boys about the pregnancy when we miscarried around 6 weeks. We bought a tiny treasure chest for the casket and the boys decorated it. I made a tiny blanket and pouch. We held a funeral in our living room. There is a children’s picture version of Heaven is for Real that we read during the funeral. The older boys (4 & 6) carried the casket to our wood furnace while singing Jesus loves me. Since then, our baby comes up in regular conversations as does Heaven. It has been good for me to have our kids treating it with the matter of fact faith characteristic of children. Next spring we will bury the ashes under a new tree. (PS: found you via the Hustle FB group.)

    • That is beautiful, Esther, thank you for sharing. We told our kids too and it led to many precious conversations about heaven and death and life.